Is this the right path for me?




life


[ peringatan, penggunaan bahasa dalam blog ini akan tidak konsisten antara bahasa indonesia dan bahasa inggris]

Reasons why i write this blog:

Jadi, gue sendiri udah sangat contemplating am i doing the right thing for a while now. As someone who often guilt-tripping her own self as a reflection method. Diumur 21 tahun ini aslinya, gue sungguh sangat lost and merasa dikejar-kejar oleh yang ga keliatan. Bukan hantu tapi waktu. Gue seberusaha itu untuk tidak 'Waste my time' karena udah cukup sering denger omongan orang-orang sekitar especially my parents who endeared me the most. Mungkin karena omongan orang tua yang gue yakin karena mereka sudah melewati fase hidup ini, gue lebih percaya dan berusaha attempt it in my life. 

Banyak banget yang gue pikirin aslinya dan dikit yang ter-realisasikan. 

FOMO?

fear of missing out ini sering banget jadi kata-kata yang gue bingung, dengan gue memiliki ini itu dampak yang baik atau tidak ya. Dampak baiknya, jujur gue sungguh sangat aktif dan tidak gue sangka, gue menambah skill-skill unik yang gue tau tanpa ikut hal ini tidak akan gue dapatkan. Dampak buruknya, the aftermath of the advantages itu. Contohnya, dengan perasaan burnt out dan kerugian pada diri sendiri.

Conclusion:

Fomo itu okay asalkan tau limit diri sendiri. Jadi, Fomo-in dulu aja dan kalau udah ngerti dimana limitnya, stop aja. know when to stop and where to start.

Endurance?

Suka gini kan ya merasa, that we endured so much  in order to survive. Ini spesifik ke diri sendiri ya, suka merasa paling menderita dan paling susah hidupnya.

- Sekaran, gue jawab diumur gue yang ke 22 tahun bulan september pada saat gue lagi intern di kantor arsitektur, tbh gue mencoba mengerti apa yang gue tulis tahun lalu-.

Problem-solving:

(blum ada jawaban yg tepat)

Conclusion:

(blum ada jawaban yg tepat)


Am i looking in it for too much?

Benefit for my self so far:

  • Skill-wise 

Disadvantages that i gained during this study (architecture and malaysia):

i feel like it could be a fault if don't mention malaysia in this context. Disclaimer, this country helps me to grow a lot as a person, thus continuingly showing  my flaws for me to accept and to be better.  

As i'm writing this down during my internship, i feel that my skills and passion for architecture did not grow during my unidays that much. i dont feel to return to uni soon, well i've have time until the the end of january next year, but deep down i know that returning to uni, it's just making me suffer all over again. Choosing the wrong uni is my fault that something that i will learnt for my master (inthefuture) or my kids later on. Lecturer have no awareness that their words are so powerful that could impact me this way. I feel like that i'm just falling into the same loophole every semester. the semester that i did great it was something that is not related to studio. 

Irony, i enjoy my work now. I strive more for something and i feel guilty for not showing enough passion and work-ethic in this office. Something, that has been longing for me to feel about architecture. My friend told me that probably the reason is because there's no competition in the office. But that's not the case. I definitly know that this isnt the case.

Architecture guides me to know that i do have anxiety, ha ha. The amount of destructive criticisms towards my works is indefinable. I learnt that probably i'm just not that talented in here. But,i do have passion in my work or when im talking about architecture. But, it's outside uni, it's not inside.

I feel like i'm always going to escape from architecture. I know that making an architecture friends it's a must when you're doing this thing because you need to talk about it frequently. i feel like i gained information about architecture MORE during my internship than my classes. 


Why it feels hard and burden to continue?

Hard, hard as in hard to continue being okay and fine, when i know that i'm not doing well. i didnt gain trust from other people. i feel like im stupid and way ahead of myself, when i'm doing this stuff. A lot of other talented people outthere and i know that i'm not special nor gifted to be in this position. Hardest thing is to continue with less and less of expectations to myself from me. The biggest downfall of my life is probably to choose architecture and my uni in here. Regardless, what makes me continue is my friends outside my architecture field, they're the one that helps me to keep me sane and my boyfriend after we started dating, helps me a lot more that what he thinks.

Burden, burden to continue mostly coming from family and close relatives. given them the idea and pride of me going here? well, great. ruining it for them, i know it'll make me suffer more. Avoiding family events will be a good mark in my calendar next year. Even, towards my self i'm burdening my self. i feel like i'm not enough. Architecture just making me feel that i'm not enough for this.


Self-Goal (in specific years to come):

welp,,, this is some crucial ones and so on i'll be realistic and optimistic for my career timeline i'm about to be delulu for a minute :

( this timeline is only for myself, any events happening sooner or later in my family or romance life won't be added as it's not my control)

2024 = Finish Intern - Pass Studio 5  (A) - Studio 6

2025 = Studio 6 finish in early january 2025  (A) - get accepted to work (singapore) - Graduation

2026 = still working - whilst thinking do i want to take masters? - portofolio in the making

2027 = any good news in the office? promotion i guess? - portofolio update?

2028 = portofolio succeeded - accepted in my chosen uni with the course that i choose with research of my own and recommendations from my surroundings.  

2029 = doing masters

2030 = graduated with my master degree 

2031 = established my self and start to work on my i feel my self the best in. i really want to write or be featured in architectural digest magazine, it's just my dream. 

so far i don't know what to do more with my architectural degree and job, as it feel quite vague for me to predict or even make goals.

Nevertheless, this is the path i chose and have to face it. i will make changes and edits in the future.

*Side Note Last Edit*

- 4.06am, Chan Sow Lin, Kuala Lumpur, 22/09/2023.


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